Welcome to a new feature of Hatesexy, The Pessimists' Review, in which two people kicked in the balls by love review a delightful rom-com and savage it anally like the bitch it is.
Jonny: to start with, I quite enjoyed it. That said: HOLY SHIT, are you KIDDING me??
Trixi: I enjoyed my reunion with the girls, 5 years after Mr. Big (what kind of asshole refers to himself as Mr. Big? Is It over compensating, like when a small dicked man buys a Hummer?) went to Carrie with his delcaration of 'You're the one'. Yes, she's 'the one', yet 5 years have passed and Mr. *snicker* Big has yet to pony up a ring.
Jonny: We're supposed to love Mr. Big, who has less emotion than fucking HAL from 2001? This is somehow the dream romance everybody hopes for? His marriage proposal sounded like a Japanese businessman proposing a multinational transaction over sake and strippers, and the filmmakers expect us to get all gooey and gushy? Instead, I just got pissed off that Carrie was so stupid she bought it. But that's just the start of this film's problems.
Trixi: Now, I was an Aiden girl, so many may say that my opinion is clouded by that. I have to argue though (and here be spoilers kids), this whole idea of this man lying and abandoning you in the most glaringly public way, then being forgiven all his tresspasses because he appeals to your most shallow and vapid personality characteristics by proposing to you with a bejeweled Manolo Blahnik makes me quake in my Target kicks. I suppose they deserve eachother, but this whole idea of a man treating you like a mindless kitten that he occasionally beats, then MARRYING HIM anyway?!? I repeat --- "?!?"
Jonny: There was a point in the middle of the film where I said to myself: Now this is finally going the way it should. (More spoilers!) Miranda had ditched Steve (whom I've always loathed -- mostly because of how he pronounces "Mi-wan-der") after he cheated on her (offscreen -- we never even found out with whom!) and Carrie had gotten over Big, gotten a new assistant, dyed her hair brown and had finally become a likeable, independent character. I was like: YES. That's what you should do, kids. Self respect. It's all about self respect. And then they go and ruin it completely.
Trixi: Notice - when Carrie loses her senses, her hair turns blond. What are we saying here? The relationship that makes the most sense in the whole film is that of the lesbian and her beard husband (Miwanda and Shteve), only becuase they did the one thing that every single one of these characters should do...GET THERAPY! And, well our favorite Jewish Princess Charlotte was the highlight of the film, but her husband wasn't in it enough for us to get a true gauge of their relationship...i sense some future Soon-Yi possibilities in their future.
Jonny: Man, you are bitter! I personally feel gypped that the only titties we get to see are Miranda's -- and, well, Samantha's, under some sushi. We do get some decent uncut cock, for you fans of Euro-weiner. But by that point in the film your penis will have shriveled up and retreated back into your body cavity thanks to seeing STEVE'S NAKED ASS WHILE HE'S THRUSTING INTO MIRANDA, so you'll spend the entire time wishing for some eye-bleach.
Trixi: Message of the film - Marry the noncommital asshole that treats you like shit. I am anxious for Sex And The City II, when Mr. Big compensates for his failing libdo by trying to score more squirrel, Miranda finally fucks the shit out of a brokenhearted Charlotte, Samantha breaks a hip, and Carrie is finally instutionalized.
Jonny: If the last twenty minutes of the film had featured all four of the girls realizing that they didn't need a man, and the only ones they could count on was each other, and the film had ended with all of 'em single and independent and relatively sane, I would have been in. Alas, I'm afraid I have to give this one a thumbs-down. Oh, and don't even get me started on the old trope of the earthy Urban girl from small-town America teaching Carrie a thing or two about love (not enough about love that she gets to hang out with or even meet the other girls, though).
Trixi: A delightful romp and must see film of the Summer!