Sunday, June 1, 2008

The Pessimists' Review: Sex And The City

Welcome to a new feature of Hatesexy, The Pessimists' Review, in which two people kicked in the balls by love review a delightful rom-com and savage it anally like the bitch it is.

Jonny: to start with, I quite enjoyed it. That said: HOLY SHIT, are you KIDDING me??

Trixi: I enjoyed my reunion with the girls, 5 years after Mr. Big (what kind of asshole refers to himself as Mr. Big? Is It over compensating, like when a small dicked man buys a Hummer?) went to Carrie with his delcaration of 'You're the one'. Yes, she's 'the one', yet 5 years have passed and Mr. *snicker* Big has yet to pony up a ring.

Jonny: We're supposed to love Mr. Big, who has less emotion than fucking HAL from 2001? This is somehow the dream romance everybody hopes for? His marriage proposal sounded like a Japanese businessman proposing a multinational transaction over sake and strippers, and the filmmakers expect us to get all gooey and gushy? Instead, I just got pissed off that Carrie was so stupid she bought it. But that's just the start of this film's problems.

Trixi: Now, I was an Aiden girl, so many may say that my opinion is clouded by that. I have to argue though (and here be spoilers kids), this whole idea of this man lying and abandoning you in the most glaringly public way, then being forgiven all his tresspasses because he appeals to your most shallow and vapid personality characteristics by proposing to you with a bejeweled Manolo Blahnik makes me quake in my Target kicks. I suppose they deserve eachother, but this whole idea of a man treating you like a mindless kitten that he occasionally beats, then MARRYING HIM anyway?!? I repeat --- "?!?"

Jonny: There was a point in the middle of the film where I said to myself: Now this is finally going the way it should. (More spoilers!) Miranda had ditched Steve (whom I've always loathed -- mostly because of how he pronounces "Mi-wan-der") after he cheated on her (offscreen -- we never even found out with whom!) and Carrie had gotten over Big, gotten a new assistant, dyed her hair brown and had finally become a likeable, independent character. I was like: YES. That's what you should do, kids. Self respect. It's all about self respect. And then they go and ruin it completely.

Trixi: Notice - when Carrie loses her senses, her hair turns blond. What are we saying here? The relationship that makes the most sense in the whole film is that of the lesbian and her beard husband (Miwanda and Shteve), only becuase they did the one thing that every single one of these characters should do...GET THERAPY! And, well our favorite Jewish Princess Charlotte was the highlight of the film, but her husband wasn't in it enough for us to get a true gauge of their relationship...i sense some future Soon-Yi possibilities in their future.

Jonny: Man, you are bitter! I personally feel gypped that the only titties we get to see are Miranda's -- and, well, Samantha's, under some sushi. We do get some decent uncut cock, for you fans of Euro-weiner. But by that point in the film your penis will have shriveled up and retreated back into your body cavity thanks to seeing STEVE'S NAKED ASS WHILE HE'S THRUSTING INTO MIRANDA, so you'll spend the entire time wishing for some eye-bleach.

Trixi: Message of the film - Marry the noncommital asshole that treats you like shit. I am anxious for Sex And The City II, when Mr. Big compensates for his failing libdo by trying to score more squirrel, Miranda finally fucks the shit out of a brokenhearted Charlotte, Samantha breaks a hip, and Carrie is finally instutionalized.

Jonny: If the last twenty minutes of the film had featured all four of the girls realizing that they didn't need a man, and the only ones they could count on was each other, and the film had ended with all of 'em single and independent and relatively sane, I would have been in. Alas, I'm afraid I have to give this one a thumbs-down. Oh, and don't even get me started on the old trope of the earthy Urban girl from small-town America teaching Carrie a thing or two about love (not enough about love that she gets to hang out with or even meet the other girls, though).

Trixi: A delightful romp and must see film of the Summer!

20 comments:

watchwhathappens said...

i quite enjoyed this review/s, as someone who has yet to see the movie but loved the show. but i *totally* agree about why the mr. big love? he always treated carrie like crap, barely was able to muster up an emotion, and i recently saw the ep where he casually tells her he might be moving to france, but that it's "not about YOU, it's about WORK!" when carrie asks when he was going to inform him.

Ashley! said...

Oh, you two slay me! You should definitely team up like this more often. Maybe you should write a movie together, I don't know, I'm just throwing it out there.

I'm looking forward to more pessimistic reviews. I was debating whether to watch the movie because I'm king of broke at the moment, but, thankfully, I read this in time and it solved my dilemna.

ashley! said...

*kind

pardon, I started a fast 2 days ago and I'm kinda woozy.

Anonymous said...

I think the pairing of Carrie and Big makes sense from the standpoint that they're both emotionally unavailable. Carrie treated most of her men like shit, too, really. She always had a selfish agenda, in spite of her vulnerability. Carrie and Big completed each other, in their way. I have not seen the new movie, but the ending of the series made sense. They got together, but you got the idea they would stay at arm's length as always, just using each other when convenient. It doesn't make sense that they would get married, or even live in the same apartment. They had the perfect thing for them as it was.

watchwhathappens said...

i meant "when he was going to inform HER". oops.

MissTrixi said...

*more spoilers*
There was a vignette within the film that touched me with it's emotional rawness. It was when Carrie spent a couple days in a darkend room, sleeping and not eating. As the scenerio wrapped up with Samantha spoon feeding a yet unable to bring herself out of bed Carrie, I was struck with the familiar feelings and the reality of how those scenes played out.
After my brutal slaughter, I had to give that offering for what really was a welll played out series of moments. I was that girl over a year ago as it ebbed and flowed over a number of months, and they brought those feelings very acurately to the screen.

xoxo
trix

kate said...

eye bleach. fucking hilarious.

Anonymous said...

i did a harvey korman spit-take with my morning coffee. why? Euro-weiner. thats why. - kelly

Molly P said...

A jewel-encrusted SHOE? Why didn't he just supply with a vacuum cleaner, an iron, and a pint of Ben and Jerry' while he' at it. Shudder.

Molly P said...

What the hell!@? My S wasn't working. Nor was my mind. It was supposed to say:

Why didn't he just supply her with an iron, a vacuum, and a pint of Ben and Jerry's while he's at it. Shudder.

Mimi said...

genius!

Anonymous said...

Competely disagree with both of you!!!


Ian

Anonymous said...

Hmm, it sounds like Carrie got "so emotional, baby" over Big (getting all lovesick in the movie version). Yeah, I can see that. But Carrie's problem is she never could get emotional with guys who actually cared for her back, which is what I meant about her being emotionally unavailable. It's how she lost Aidan, and somewhat how she lost Berger. Berger was a bit of a jerk, but Aidan was perfect, and he adored her in ways that he was unafraid to show. And she lost him. Twice. But she could never let go of Big, who was indifference on a stick. If Carrie were more "normal" (and who is normal?), she wouldn't have been so hung up on Big. But Big sort of got stuck with her, too, because no other woman would put up with his shit for ten seconds. So, yes, they were made for each other. They fit each other's emotional dysfunctions like a pair of shoes. A sado-masochistic, abusive relationship, and it's kind of disturbing that I think the reason some women like the show/movie is because they can identify with sticking with those types of relationships.

LAP said...

I thought SJP was quite good, and being that I only have a sex/love life by living vicariously through fiction and film i wasn't sorry I saw it. It was written like a tv show though, not a film.

Becky said...

I usually agree with your comments Jon but you are SO WRONG about this one! Are you on drugs? Film of the year.

MissTrixi said...

As I said at the beginning, though -- I thoroughly enjoyed myself!!

Jon Hunt said...

That was me, by the way.

steve zahn said...

I didn't need to see the movie. I was in the movie. I think.

Anonymous said...

you guys must have got fucked in the ass by love to be this pessimistic. basically it was good. there were a few issues that we obviously can see, but i mean come on, big and carrie, the way it's been since season 1. the only couple to have sex in the film, the lesbian in real life and the short bartender. of course charlotte ends up being the most fruitful in the end, but after living with a placid penis for a while, she deserves it. biggest disappointment, samantha not fucking dante. the end.

thomas said...

Please do more reviews!!!
I didn't really want to see this movie but all of my girlfriends kept telling me I needed to see it. Now, thanks to Hatesexy I don't have to! Thanks Hatesexy!