Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Hey, Jealousy!

(Jesus, that title -- I'm so sorry for evoking the drab days of the early 90s for everybody, but of all the stupid jealousy-related titles I could think of, somehow this one seemed the jauntiest. Again -- please. I'm sorry.)

So, I recently found myself jealous.

I had absolutely, positively no reason to be. Trix is as solid as the earth and I know for a fact that she's crazy about me for some damn reason, even if I can't always quite fathom it (okay, okay -- it's the eyes). No, this jealousy was completely and utterly irrational, based entirely (or, well, mostly) on paranoia and fear. Seems I have some "trust issues." Seems they manifest themselves in the form of pure, unbridled jealousy.

Oh, I ain't talking about yr. normal jealousy, where you kind of pout a little until your girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancee/small furry creature from Alpha Centauri mollifies you and assures you everything's okay at which point you all go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes. Oh, no. This was the kind of jealousy where you're up for three days straight with no sleep whatsoever, smoking packs of Camels and drinking 40-ouncers to try to calm your jangled nerves because you are absolutely, positively sure that your relationship is about to come to a screaming end and there's nothing you can do about it.

Like I said: turns out I was imagining the whole thing. Which, if you know me, is typical of me (Allison Hill: NOT A WORD about the goddamn UFO's, okay? NOT A WORD!). But it, like other emotions (happy, sad, underwater), got me thinking about jealousy in general. Like: what's the fucking point?

Someone once told me that jealousy is essential to a relationship. Keeps it interesting, you see. Prevents people from taking each other for granted. If you're always on your toes and worried about whether the other person might up and leave at any minute, then yeah, I imagine it gets you working a little harder with the romance and the flowers and the hott sexx and the flaven, right?

I would like, if I may, to respectfully disagree with that notion, however, for two reasons.

1. It seems to me that jealousy has to do with trust. It seems to me that if the jealousy has gone out of your relationship it probably -- or at least possibly -- has to do with the fact that you implicitly trust the other person to such an extent that the very notion of them cheating on you or ditching you cold makes you chortle, mm HEY HEY. Conversely, it seems to me that if you're jealous of your SO, that might mean, y'know, that you don't completely trust them. Which could be totally unfounded 'cause you've got issues you gotta work through (in my case, trust issues, but I bet self esteem issues would work just as well), but it strikes me that trust is important. Isn't it?

and

2. Maybe jealousy keeps you on your toes, and maybe jealousy prevents you from taking the other person for granted, and maybe that makes your relationship exciting, but it's the wrong reason for those things. Its like having a baby to try to save a marriage -- bad idea jeans. That ain't real excitement, or real respect, or real non-granted-taking. All it means is that you're living in a constant state of paranoia and fear, and that's no fucking way to live, especially if it means not sleeping for days at a time and smoking too much, which, with me, it inevitably does.

I dunno -- that's not the way I wanna live, y'know? I wanna have a relationship based on trust and mutual respect and hot sex and friendship, not on jealousy. Maybe that's not exciting (y'know, the hot sex sure is!) but to me it sounds like heaven. 'Cause I have enough stress in my life day to day that I don't need the additional stress of having to worry about my relationship, which is hopefully, the one thing I can trust isn't going to go anywhere.

Which, in my case, it isn't. And for that I couldn't be happier.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

The way to get past the jealousy is to get to a point where you know you will be okay alone, no matter what happens. There is no way to implicitly trust anyone, since humans make mistakes. All you need to know is if your SO makes a mistake, you will be fine. And you will be, trust me. Besides that who would want to leave a guy like you anyway? Guys like you don't come along every day!

Jon Hunt said...

They do, though, you know. They call me "Ol' Dime A Dozen!"

Chris Hill said...

fucking gin blossoms. I have them. Whiskey blossoms in my case. Stupid alcoholism, pointless, just like jealousy, pointless. Just live. Be happy. Be in love. don't focus on useless negative emotions. Jealousy is stupid. But then again "sometimes love is fucking stupid". Wasn't that the title to an old
Deep Shag song?

LAP said...

I always figure that even if there's problems with trust (your own or a less than trustworthy paramour) that the trek through jealousy (like some horrible hallucination) isn't worth the trouble since you totally can't control another person regardless. At least I can't, so big emotional/angry outbursts about it don't really do anything beneficial for me, in terms of gaining assurance or any upper hand of confidence. Of course, I realize I sort of lived my life resigned for a good long while, and now, of course, I live alone- but I am fairly sure it has little to do with trust, beyond my distrust of my own choices.

But you and Trix, you should just be able to breathe deep and dig on the mutual admiration for sure, because it seems to beam off the two of you like a halo. Jealousy is so like when Ray Liotta is driving around looking for helicopters at the end of Goodfellas, just a bad trip in general.

Anonymous said...

Aw, they didn't all leave you though, did they? Like lap says just take the pressure off yourself and the relationship and enjoy it for what it is right now. No relationship is guaranteed to last forever. People change, circumstances change, and all we really have is today. If by some chance this love doesn't work out for you in the end, it will have been a great experience and as time goes on, and you heal from past betrayals, you will become better at taking a more philosophical view of relationships in general. You are a quality guy who has had a rough run of it lately. Who could blame you for having trust issues. It is both fortunate and unfortuante that you found a new love so quickly, before your wounds had a chance to heal. From what it sounds like you both have healing wounds, so it is just a miracle that you two have found the ability to build something new at this point. Take it for what it is right now, enjoy it, and if it doesn't last, you will find another love..everytime it doesn't work out, you know more and more what you need in your life to be happy. That is the good thing abut break ups.

patrick said...

A hearty verse from Carmina Burana which Cheryl and I saw last night at the Bowl. Can you believe it rained on us while we sang the national anthem?

Your jealousy blog reminded me of the Tavern scene where a dude who may have been downing 40's and smoking his pipe all the day and night sang:

Burning inside
with violent anger,
bitterly
I speak to my heart:
created from matter,
of the ashes of the elements,
I am like a leaf
played with by the winds.

... O, Fortuna.

Beques said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jerry Stalwall said...

Jealousy has led me to do some of the stupidest things in my life. A particularly cringesome time occurs to m'mind that saw an awful verbal assault on a friend because of perceived actions that I thought were taking advantage of a very bad situation with a girl. Jealousy is just shit.

MissTrixi said...

SIlly Rabbit! Your Trix loves you like Maaaad Ka-razy. She'd be a fool to let such a fine young man go...a FOOL I tells ya!

Ahhh...that Green Eye'd Montster. Of course it stands to reason that you would have some baggage and wounds yet to be healed. Mine come in the form of holding new people in my life at arms length. Thanks to my ExH (Ex Horror), I am left with the distinct feeling that anyone I let in, I will only end up dissapointing with my ineptitude and lame personality. I know it's HIS voice telling me these things, but they are pretty hard to quiet when they have been with me for so long.

I know that I'm not going anywhere, and as the saying goes 'Time heals all wounds'. I'll be right by your side until time lets you let go of Mr. Greenie. A little bit of jealousy is normal. ExH was never jealous, and he would openly flirt with other women in my presence. People would say 'oh, that's r--, it's 'his way' He's flirty.' Aaaand then he left me for another woman. Your teeny tiny bit of jealousy makes me trust in you even more. How wacked is that? Seriously though, jealousy in small doses is normal. Using jealousy as a tool or a way to leverage/control a relationship..not so much.

Trust is the basis of a solid relationship that you continue to build over time. Right now, things are still fresh, both the relationship and the scars that you (we) carry. I'll just continue to be your faithful ever luvin', and in time you will be able to trust in that. Really, even my Leo self can be very patient. I'm here for ya baby! Always. Soul of a poet- you has it!

xoxo
trix

(p.s. No more cabin retreats apart! ;-p)

Brash Lion said...

Oh my god I needed to read all this right now. I feel like my heart is hanging halfway out of my chest after this weekend. Fuck you, Jealousy. Fuck you, Gin Blossoms! Thank you, Jonny & Friends.

Anonymous said...

I don't deal with jealousy, mostly because I just stay away from dating PERIOD! I just read Trixi's comment....you two are so adorable, you make me go awww and then I get all warm and fuzzy and think I MIGHT wanna date again.

Keep on keepin on you guys, and I can't wait for you guys to get married and become even more of a power coupl than you already are.

Luff,
Ashley!

Anonymous said...

Trixi, your comments really choked me up. You are a true heart.

belsum said...

I said nuth-ink! [/Sgt Schultz]

MissTrixi said...

(wow...jonny has a lot of awesomely kind, and kinda awesome readers! ;-) )
xoxo
Trix

Superbadfriend said...

((HUGS))